Band 6 Essay Ielts Exam

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IELTS Task 2 writing sample answer Band 6 Essay 1

Band score: approximately 6.0

Task: Task 2

The answer below has been rated purely based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the report.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Education is very important. How can children who are disinterested in study be motivated to learn?

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Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.


Living in the competitive world, better education always this is too strong – it’s not alwayscomes with ‘leads to a’ higher living standard ‘standard of living’ is the most common construction. How to improve ‘Improving’ – how to improve is more of a question form the education in children, especially the one ones who does ‘do’ not like studying, is a problem for education ‘the education’ industry in every country this is too strong – it’s not every country, but could be ‘most countries’.

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When the ‘a’ child is too young to understand the importance of studying, it is really hard this is too informal – ‘particularly difficult’ to have the motivation. At the ‘an’ early stage, in junior primary school for example, a little discipline is necessary. Though studing ‘studying’ like reading and counting maybe not as interesting as watching cartoons, spending some time on these boring this is not academic – ‘less interesting’ subjects should be compulsory. These measures will give them the ability to enjoy learning activities in coming future ‘in the future’, when they will be ‘are likely to be’ more confident to explore the unknown area ‘unknown areas’.

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However, to increase the confidence it is not clear yet why the paragraph is referring to confidence rather than motivation and interest in studying, the most important ‘important factor’ is encouragement, especially in senior primary school and secondary school, when the children need to expand their knowledge dramatically. Most of the student ‘students’ are disinterested in learning because of lack of confident ‘a lack of confidence’. If an encourage ‘encouraging’ enviroment is provided, they will ‘may’ – will is too stronghave fun ‘be more entertained’ would be more formal in studying and enjoy the feeling of achievement, hence will be motivated to learn more. In consequence, a better education level can be expected.

Moreover, academy ‘academic study’ does not necessary necessarily have to be boring, it can be fun. For young children, knowledge can be tought in ‘taught using’ cartoons. The Blue Cat series is a successful sample ‘example’ in China, which putting ‘which’ here means that what follows refers to China, not the Black Cat serial is a ‘an’ educational program enjoyed by many children in China. In order to get better result in ‘results from’ children, knowledge can be delivered via children’s favourite cartoon characters. For the teenager, the idols in the entertainment industry play a big role [this could have been combined with the following sentence with ‘and as such’[/expand]. They should be encouraged to send the correct messages to their fans.

In conclusion, compulsory education is necessary at an early stage of studying, while encourage ‘providing an encouraging’enviroment ‘environment’ and teaching in more entertaining ways are extremely important.

(310 words)

 


Comments:

At 310 words, this is longer than the ideal range of 260 – 280 words. Although this is not directly a problem, it does give the examiner more chances of finding errors or penalising you for not being sufficiently concise.

There is a mix of different levels of vocabulary where a more formal vocabulary should be used throughout (avoid words like ‘boring’).

An example is provided to demonstrate the point in the third paragraph (the Blue Cat series) but the writer has not given other examples for the first two paragraphs, and the topic sentence, development and support are not always clear.

The essay often uses dogmatic statements that are not always true and would be better modified slightly (‘every county’ > ‘most countries’)

However, the essay is relevant to the topic and the use of linking words is generally accurate and varied.

 


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This entry was posted in IELTS Writing Academic (all), IELTS Writing General Training (all), IELTS Writing Task 2 (sample answers), IELTSforFREE on by IELTSforFREE.

 

Lots of students only require a Band 6 or 6.5 in their IELTS test and I get lots of questions every week about what a Band 6 essay looks like and what is required to get a 6. I recently marked a Band 6 essay for one of our essay correction service students and you can read it below.

I have included the picture of the original essay below so you can see the original corrections and I have included the examiner’s report and sample answer. This student was able to get the Band 7 they required after following the advice below.

Task Response- Band 6

You address all parts of the task and cover both arguments. However, the question asked you to discuss both views and you spend much more time saying why children were happy and not adults.

You presented a clear position throughout the response. It was very good to see that you gave a clear thesis statement in your introduction and then used the rest of the essay to support this view. ƒ

You present, extend and support main ideas, but there was a tendency to over-generalise at times.

Suggestions

For discussion (discuss both views) it is important that you give equal time to both views. Even if you disagree with one view, you should write one paragraph saying why you disagree. If you did this, you would have got a higher band.

One thing that you could do better is provide specific examples. The more specific you can be with your examples, the more authority your points have. You can make your examples more specific by adding dates, statistics, peoples’ names or place names. See my article below.

Be careful not to have too many ideas. Your ideas are relevant, but it is better to have fewer ideas and support these with explanations and examples, than simply list lots of ideas that are not fully developed. Examiners are looking for fully developed ideas, not lists of ideas.

Coherence and Cohesion- Band 7

You logically organise information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout. The structure that you have used really helps in this area and makes everything easy to follow and flows very nicely. However, it can be improved even more.

You use a range of cohesive devices (linking words) appropriately although there is some over-use. All linking words are used accurately and effectively, but there tends to be a reliance on them through overuse. This is not a huge problem, but the higher band scores use cohesive devices much less than you currently do.

Each paragraph presents a clear central topic and this is really helped by a topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph.

Suggestions

Try using this paragraph structure for discussion questions:

Introduction
• Paraphrase Question
• Thesis Statement
• Outline Statement (outline what you will discuss in the rest of the essay)

Discussion of first side
• Main point
• Explanation of main point (linked to your opinion)
• Example

Discussion of second side
• Main point
• Explanation of main point (linked to your opinion)
• Example

Conclusion
• Summary of main ideas and opinion

Your use of cohesive devices is very good, but you do have a tendency to overuse them. You don’t get more marks for every cohesive device you use and in fact, you will be penalised for overusing them. Only use them when necessary. If you look at my example essays I might only use them once or twice per paragraph.

Vocabulary- Band 6

You use an adequate range of vocabulary for the task such as ‘financial responsibilities’, ‘academic environment’ and ‘scientific competitions’.
You attempt to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy and you make some errors in word formation, but they do not impede communication. Please see corrections above for examples of this.

Suggestions

You do try to use advanced vocabulary but this often leads to small mistakes. Follow the 100% rule- don’t try to use any words you are not 100% sure about. It is better to use simple words and make no mistakes than use advanced words, but in error. By 100% I mean that you should be sure about spelling, grammar, collocations, synonyms, antonyms etc.

In the long term you should think about starting a vocabulary book. This is a place where you record new vocabulary with spelling, grammar, collocations, synonyms, antonyms and example sentences to make sure you know it 100%. You can then review these new words regularly so that they become a natural part of your vocabulary.

You should also give yourself a few minutes at the end to evaluate your vocabulary and make sure you have not made any mistakes.

Finally, synonyms are important and you should try to use them, but only use them if you know that they mean exactly the same as the word you are replacing. They should also be grammatically correct. If you are not sure, just repeat the word.

Grammar- Band 5

You attempt complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences.

You make frequent grammatical errors and some errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.

Please see above for grammatical errors.

Suggestions-

Establish your common grammar errors and then review this grammar. There are lots of online activities you can do to practice and perfect each area you are weak in.

Also, follow the 100% rule for grammar. You should only write sentences that you know are 100% correct. If there is any doubt then you need to think about how you can express your point in a simpler way, that has no mistakes.

It is better to write in a simple way and make no mistakes, than use complex grammar and structures with frequent errors.

Overall- Band 6

Overall this was a good essay but there are some things you can do to improve in the future.

The main things you can do is to answer the question by doing what it asks you to do. In this question you have been asked to ‘Discuss both views and give your own opinion.’ You have really only discussed one of the views. You need to make it really clear to the examiner that you have discussed both views by having a separate paragraph for each.

Your coherence will also improve if you use the structure I suggested above and you should also check out the structures for the other types of essay. I have included a link for this below.

Your cohesion is very good, but remember that you don’t need to start every sentence with a linking word, one or two per paragraph is enough.

Your vocabulary and grammar are your two biggest challenges. The quick way to fixing these is to follow the 100% rule I suggest above and if you want to fix these long term I would suggest the following:

1. Read books/blogs/magazines about the common IELTS Task 2 topics, such as Education, Health and Technology. Note down any new words in a vocabulary notebook as I suggested above and then review this regularly. It will take you a little while, but soon your vocabulary will really expand.

2. Find out what your common grammar mistakes are. Most people make the same grammar mistakes over and over again. When you know what these are, you can review the grammar rules, practice online and fix them.

If you can improve the things above, I am confident that you can increase your band score.

Suggested Resources

http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/31/paraphrase-ielts/
http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/05/21/write-supporting-paragraph-ielts/
http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/05/how-to-understand-analyse-ielts-writing-task-2/
http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/06/14/ielts-writing-conclusions/
http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/03/ielts-writing-task-2-essay-structures/
http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/05/most-common-ielts-writing-task-2-topics/
http://ieltsadvantage.com/2015/03/18/writing-task-2-discussion-essay-lesson

Band 9 Sample Answer

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibility.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion

It is often argued that the most fulfilling stage of a person’s life is during adolescence, while others believe that adulthood, despite things like a job, family and money concerns, is better. This essay agrees with the former, rather than the latter view. It will first discuss how grown-ups are much less fulfilled than teenagers because of the pressures they are under and then discuss how contented most teenagers are, before coming to the conclusion that the ages of thirteen to eighteen really are the best years of our lives.

Upon reaching maturity people are expected to fend for themselves and this often leads to unhappiness. This is because most adults have rent and bills to pay, as well as a partner and dependents to look after, which more often than not, leads to them doing a job they don’t enjoy in exchange for money. A recent study by Queen’s University, Belfast found that 79% of people would leave their jobs if they didn’t have a mortgage and 64% of people stated that their job made them depressed at some point.

On the other hand, young people are free from these worries because they are often supported financially and free from any real troubles. Most live with their parents who pay for all their needs and the only thing they have to focus on is studying. Research carried out by Cambridge University found that only 29% of 15-16 year old students said they were ‘happy’, but when questioned 10 years later 84% said that they were ‘much happier’ when they were 16.

In conclusion, youth really is wasted on the young because older people are under much more strain when it comes to money and people relying on them.

Do you need help with IELTS Writing? Try our IELTS Correction Service.

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